I guess the first step in becoming 'sober' is admitting that you have a problem, coming face to face with your addiction. Well here goes.... I have a problem. I have a food addiction. Some people don't think that counts as a "true" addiction like the addiction to drugs or alcohol or tobacco, but it does. It can have the same destructive abilities as any other addiction. You can "overdose" on food. Especially if you have underlying medical conditions such as diabetes. I have insulin resistance and I have been very close crossing that fine white line into becoming diabetic. My fasting insulin levels have gotten to extreme levels. I was on my way to having them under control before I relapsed in August. Now I'm scared to see how high they have climbed. I know that crossing that line into diabetes can kill me if I'm not careful. Just like any other addict can overdose if they can't stop trying to get a bigger and better fix.
I can give so many reasons and excuses on how I lost focus and relapsed in my addiction. We moved, that involved a lot of stress in many different areas, my son was diagnosed ADHD and possible ODD after what seems like forever of trying to find out what was going on with him, and I lost a good majority of my support system. But excuses don't change the fact that I relapsed and gained weight again. They can't justify any reason for returning to the dangers of binge eating, overeating or mindless eating. They can't change the fact that despite having resources of knowledge, I let myself slip back into old habits and tried to become okay with the first 5-10 lbs. I tried to convince myself that my scale at home was broken and that it couldn't possibly be correct that I'd packed on almost 30 lbs in 3 months when it took me almost 9 months to lose 93lbs.
I just know that again, I've reached what my doctor calls that "Point of Misery". The place you get to where you've hit rock bottom and you can't sink any lower. I know that I'm not happy at 274 lbs. I'm not happy with my body... I'm not happy with the health issues... I'm not happy because I don't feel like "me" anymore. I loved the person I was at 236lbs. She was happy, she was getting healthy, she had friends, people noticed her, she was radiant..... This shell of a person I am now has none of that. She's depressed and she seeks comfort in food. Food is always there. Food never rejects me. Food makes me happy. Food is always there when I need it. I guess that's why I'm addicted. I somehow believe that Food can offer me an escape or a solution to my problems. But in reality, it can't. It's killing me from the moment it enters my mouth. I'm constantly consumed by it. I'm always on the search to fulfill that fix, that craving..... And I know that I can't do it anymore.I have to change for my kids, but most importantly for ME!
Today is Day 0... I'm not even 24 hrs 'sober'. I'm already fighting the feeling to go search for something to munch or to make cheese toast, which has been the biggest comfort food for me recently. I just can't seem to get enough.... Counting down the minutes until lunch, when I can put food into my mouth and get a fix....
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