Day 0- Again, and Again, and Again

As much as I'd like to say that I've done well and made it past the roughest days for me, days 1-4, I haven't. I can't even get past Day 0. I do good for a few hours, get my confidence up, and then the cravings come in and it all comes crashing down again. I did get some encouragement from an email sent yesterday, so I'm clinging to it like I would my last thread of hope. It's hard not to feel hopeless and powerless. I want so bad to get my cravings and eating habits back under control. I want the weight to start coming off again. I SO DESIRE it, and yet I keep messing up. So I wake up this morning, I again tell myself that today is a new day... yesterday is gone and cannot be changed.... tomorrow will worry about itself. I have to take today for what it is and take one day at a time. My brain screams that I should just wait until after Christmas, wait until December 26th and then go cold turkey 100%. But the logical brain in there says that that will only cause me to fall harder when I don't succeed. I know that logically I need to start now and start restricting what is going into my body as far as no junk food, no soda pop, less bread, more protein. So I try to set myself up for success today. I start with scrambled eggs for breakfast instead of the hot oatmeal that sounded good and that I fixed the kids. I resisted the urge to make toast, even though the bread is multigrain, because I know that I can't just stop at one piece or two. One will turn into two, and two will turn into four... And then just butter on the toast won't be enough, I'll have to add cinnamon and sugar. It's like it's neverending...... I want to be 'clean', I want to be 'sober'.... I want this inner demon to leave me once and for all and never return!
As I read "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia De Rossi, I do realize that no matter what the eating disorder or addiction, it is all the same compulsive demon that posses us. We are all driven the same way for food... and I pray that I can find some encouragement and confidence building as I dive deeper into her open struggle with Anorexia. The addiction may not be the exact same, but the drug is.... food.

The first step.... Day 0

I guess the first step in becoming 'sober' is admitting that you have a problem, coming face to face with your addiction. Well here goes.... I have a problem. I have a food addiction. Some people don't think that counts as a "true" addiction like the addiction to drugs or alcohol or tobacco, but it does. It can have the same destructive abilities as any other addiction. You can "overdose" on food. Especially if you have underlying medical conditions such as diabetes. I have insulin resistance and I have been very close crossing that fine white line into becoming diabetic. My fasting insulin levels have gotten to extreme levels. I was on my way to having them under control before I relapsed in August. Now I'm scared to see how high they have climbed. I know that crossing that line into diabetes can kill me if I'm not careful. Just like any other addict can overdose if they can't stop trying to get a bigger and better fix.

I can give so many reasons and excuses on how I lost focus and relapsed in my addiction. We moved, that involved a lot of stress in many different areas, my son was diagnosed ADHD and possible ODD after what seems like forever of trying to find out what was going on with him, and I lost a good majority of my support system. But excuses don't change the fact that I relapsed and gained weight again. They can't justify any reason for returning to the dangers of binge eating, overeating or mindless eating. They can't change the fact that despite having resources of knowledge, I let myself slip back into old habits and tried to become okay with the first 5-10 lbs. I tried to convince myself that my scale at home was broken and that it couldn't possibly be correct that I'd packed on almost 30 lbs in 3 months when it took me almost 9 months to lose 93lbs.

I just know that again, I've reached what my doctor calls that "Point of Misery". The place you get to where you've hit rock bottom and you can't sink any lower. I know that I'm not happy at 274 lbs. I'm not happy with my body... I'm not happy with the health issues... I'm not happy because I don't feel like "me" anymore. I loved the person I was at 236lbs. She was happy, she was getting healthy, she had friends, people noticed her, she was radiant..... This shell of a person I am now has none of that. She's depressed and she seeks comfort in food. Food is always there. Food never rejects me. Food makes me happy. Food is always there when I need it. I guess that's why I'm addicted. I somehow believe that Food can offer me an escape or a solution to my problems. But in reality, it can't. It's killing me from the moment it enters my mouth. I'm constantly consumed by it. I'm always on the search to fulfill that fix, that craving..... And I know that I can't do it anymore.I have to change for my kids, but most importantly for ME!

Today is Day 0... I'm not even 24 hrs 'sober'. I'm already fighting the feeling to go search for something to munch or to make cheese toast, which has been the biggest comfort food for me recently. I just can't seem to get enough.... Counting down the minutes until lunch, when I can put food into my mouth and get a fix....