Day 1- Finally!

As little as it seems, I've conquered Day 0! And I'm 75% through Day 1 right now and I'm doing awesome! My husband and children ate at Taco Bell for lunch, I ordered nothing and instead stopped by the store and picked up stuff for a grilled chicken salad. And the salad was so fulfilling. I just couldn't find satisfaction in knowing that for 2 of their 'diet' tacos (which are 360 calories, 180 calories each)that was almost half my calories for the day. I could have had 2 shakes or soy snacks for that and still had less calories! I've cooked food for the kids several times and didn't touch any of it. I've found that the craving for ice cream, (which has been absolutely horrible), can be easily averted by freezing my before bedtime protein shake. It's all about the mind re-routing right now... Make the brain think it's getting what it wants. I have my soy snacks as a mid-afternoon snack, that helps the craving for crunchy or potato chips. I feel as though I could rule the world, even though I'm only on Day 1. I've been reading Portia De Rossi's book, Unbearable Lightness, and I'm almost finished with it. Let me tell you, it has been so enlightening and makes me feel like I'm not the only one who has ever had a food addiction. Even anorexics have a food addiction, they just don't overendulge like compulsive overeaters do. I'm relating so much to how she felt with the food aspects... Also bought another book called Food, Fitness, and Faith for Women. It's a 21 day book that provides ways to improve yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. I started it today and I'm loving the encouragement it provides, even if I have heard those words time and time again.
Over the holidays, I threw out my scale. I wasn't happy with the numbers and it has been off before. I am now going through scale withdrawl, but I know it will help me in the long run focus on the long term goals of staying healthy, not just dropping weight. I did get weighed yesterday, and from the end of August until now, I have gained a total of 48 lbs. Not something I'm happy with... Not something I like.... and not something I want to continue to do. I want to be happy again, I want to be on the road to being healthy again. I want to be my 'skinny' again. I liked myself at 236 lbs. So.....
I'm starting my weight loss support group sessions again next Wednesday. I miss the support and without support, it makes this journey almost impossible. While I know that I can do it and that other people are doing it, the group sessions just make it click.
I'm taking this one day at a time, as any addict has to. I know its not going to be easy, I know I am not perfect, and I know that I will meet resistance. But the key to becoming 'clean and sober' is to be a fighter and not give up. NEVER GIVE IN! It's hard knowing that it's taken me almost a month to get over Day 0. And worse, I know that if let just one candy bar, or chocolate chip cookie, or one scoop of ice cream pass my lips, I will have to start the journey all over again. I want to break this YO-YO cycle, and I WILL break this addiction! If not for ME, which is who I need to focus on to succeed, but for my children and their future.

Day 0- Again, and Again, and Again

As much as I'd like to say that I've done well and made it past the roughest days for me, days 1-4, I haven't. I can't even get past Day 0. I do good for a few hours, get my confidence up, and then the cravings come in and it all comes crashing down again. I did get some encouragement from an email sent yesterday, so I'm clinging to it like I would my last thread of hope. It's hard not to feel hopeless and powerless. I want so bad to get my cravings and eating habits back under control. I want the weight to start coming off again. I SO DESIRE it, and yet I keep messing up. So I wake up this morning, I again tell myself that today is a new day... yesterday is gone and cannot be changed.... tomorrow will worry about itself. I have to take today for what it is and take one day at a time. My brain screams that I should just wait until after Christmas, wait until December 26th and then go cold turkey 100%. But the logical brain in there says that that will only cause me to fall harder when I don't succeed. I know that logically I need to start now and start restricting what is going into my body as far as no junk food, no soda pop, less bread, more protein. So I try to set myself up for success today. I start with scrambled eggs for breakfast instead of the hot oatmeal that sounded good and that I fixed the kids. I resisted the urge to make toast, even though the bread is multigrain, because I know that I can't just stop at one piece or two. One will turn into two, and two will turn into four... And then just butter on the toast won't be enough, I'll have to add cinnamon and sugar. It's like it's neverending...... I want to be 'clean', I want to be 'sober'.... I want this inner demon to leave me once and for all and never return!
As I read "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia De Rossi, I do realize that no matter what the eating disorder or addiction, it is all the same compulsive demon that posses us. We are all driven the same way for food... and I pray that I can find some encouragement and confidence building as I dive deeper into her open struggle with Anorexia. The addiction may not be the exact same, but the drug is.... food.

The first step.... Day 0

I guess the first step in becoming 'sober' is admitting that you have a problem, coming face to face with your addiction. Well here goes.... I have a problem. I have a food addiction. Some people don't think that counts as a "true" addiction like the addiction to drugs or alcohol or tobacco, but it does. It can have the same destructive abilities as any other addiction. You can "overdose" on food. Especially if you have underlying medical conditions such as diabetes. I have insulin resistance and I have been very close crossing that fine white line into becoming diabetic. My fasting insulin levels have gotten to extreme levels. I was on my way to having them under control before I relapsed in August. Now I'm scared to see how high they have climbed. I know that crossing that line into diabetes can kill me if I'm not careful. Just like any other addict can overdose if they can't stop trying to get a bigger and better fix.

I can give so many reasons and excuses on how I lost focus and relapsed in my addiction. We moved, that involved a lot of stress in many different areas, my son was diagnosed ADHD and possible ODD after what seems like forever of trying to find out what was going on with him, and I lost a good majority of my support system. But excuses don't change the fact that I relapsed and gained weight again. They can't justify any reason for returning to the dangers of binge eating, overeating or mindless eating. They can't change the fact that despite having resources of knowledge, I let myself slip back into old habits and tried to become okay with the first 5-10 lbs. I tried to convince myself that my scale at home was broken and that it couldn't possibly be correct that I'd packed on almost 30 lbs in 3 months when it took me almost 9 months to lose 93lbs.

I just know that again, I've reached what my doctor calls that "Point of Misery". The place you get to where you've hit rock bottom and you can't sink any lower. I know that I'm not happy at 274 lbs. I'm not happy with my body... I'm not happy with the health issues... I'm not happy because I don't feel like "me" anymore. I loved the person I was at 236lbs. She was happy, she was getting healthy, she had friends, people noticed her, she was radiant..... This shell of a person I am now has none of that. She's depressed and she seeks comfort in food. Food is always there. Food never rejects me. Food makes me happy. Food is always there when I need it. I guess that's why I'm addicted. I somehow believe that Food can offer me an escape or a solution to my problems. But in reality, it can't. It's killing me from the moment it enters my mouth. I'm constantly consumed by it. I'm always on the search to fulfill that fix, that craving..... And I know that I can't do it anymore.I have to change for my kids, but most importantly for ME!

Today is Day 0... I'm not even 24 hrs 'sober'. I'm already fighting the feeling to go search for something to munch or to make cheese toast, which has been the biggest comfort food for me recently. I just can't seem to get enough.... Counting down the minutes until lunch, when I can put food into my mouth and get a fix....