As much as I'd like to say that I've done well and made it past the roughest days for me, days 1-4, I haven't. I can't even get past Day 0. I do good for a few hours, get my confidence up, and then the cravings come in and it all comes crashing down again. I did get some encouragement from an email sent yesterday, so I'm clinging to it like I would my last thread of hope. It's hard not to feel hopeless and powerless. I want so bad to get my cravings and eating habits back under control. I want the weight to start coming off again. I SO DESIRE it, and yet I keep messing up. So I wake up this morning, I again tell myself that today is a new day... yesterday is gone and cannot be changed.... tomorrow will worry about itself. I have to take today for what it is and take one day at a time. My brain screams that I should just wait until after Christmas, wait until December 26th and then go cold turkey 100%. But the logical brain in there says that that will only cause me to fall harder when I don't succeed. I know that logically I need to start now and start restricting what is going into my body as far as no junk food, no soda pop, less bread, more protein. So I try to set myself up for success today. I start with scrambled eggs for breakfast instead of the hot oatmeal that sounded good and that I fixed the kids. I resisted the urge to make toast, even though the bread is multigrain, because I know that I can't just stop at one piece or two. One will turn into two, and two will turn into four... And then just butter on the toast won't be enough, I'll have to add cinnamon and sugar. It's like it's neverending...... I want to be 'clean', I want to be 'sober'.... I want this inner demon to leave me once and for all and never return!
As I read "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia De Rossi, I do realize that no matter what the eating disorder or addiction, it is all the same compulsive demon that posses us. We are all driven the same way for food... and I pray that I can find some encouragement and confidence building as I dive deeper into her open struggle with Anorexia. The addiction may not be the exact same, but the drug is.... food.
Hang in there girlie! I am proud of you for admitting this. Often times when we admit our problems openly it allows a light to shine inwardly on that demon. I am praying for you. I know how hard it is! Not only do you take it one day at a time, but one hour or one minute at a time if you need.
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